Heres your help

So in Sports like Lacross when one person has the ball and is running with it a lot of times they are running ahead of their team members and in the middle of the other team. Then one of their team mates will run up along side the guy with the ball and yell "Heres your Help!"

I was thinking about that the other day..... one person leaves the group of people he is familiar with to run into a group of people he doesn't know so he can just be there as backup.

Would I be willing to do that? probably...... I would always be there for my friends even if they were in a huge group of people I dont know... But I dont think anyone would be there for me...
I mean, I have lots of friends who love me, but no close friends anymore. and I dont understand why. Everyone else has a little group of friends that they always hang out with and they know eachother pretty well and stuff. But I missed that part of High School I guess. I haven't had that since 6th grade. and I act like I'm totally happy pretty much all the time, and I really am most of the time. But sometimes, late at night, I cry, because nobody hears me. I'm one of the nicest girls in my school. Ask anyone who knows me and they will say she is cute and she is Really nice. I do nice things for people because that is how I show love. That is how I feel love. When someone does something nice for me, it makes my ENTIRE day. That is why I do nice things for people. So that maybe..one day.. someone will see that outside I'm smiling and nice and happy, but inside I'm SCREAMING for someone to love me.. for someone to run up and hug me..and just hold me for a couple min. and let me know that everything is ok... that I am ok. That I will be ok... someone to be my help..... Treat others the way you want to be treated. That is what I have always been taught. I'm treating people how I want to be treated..... So wheres my help?..... maybe some of us were just always ment to be the helper... never the help..ie? Dont ge3t me wrong, some peopledo do nice things for me. Like sometimes my mom will leave these really cute notes in my room, and she will drive me from where i parked my car up to the school building when it was raining, and she is really just pretty much AMAZING. Sh does Everything she can and is doing the best she can, which is more amazing than anyone I have ever known!
But shes not the one Im having trouble feeling love from. I dont know what is wrong with me!! for the pas couple weeks i have been going through these different feelings of being really sad and then really happy, really scared and really excited, I feel like I am going CRAZY!! Im excited to Graduate, but really scared about what my future will be. every day for my entire life i have woken up, and done pretty much the same thing. gone to school. but now what? what do I do with my life now? with my time? I dont like this. I dont know what I want.
But Its pretty late and I promised my mom I would be ontime for family scripture study tomorrow morning at 5:30 and then be ontime to seminary at 6:00... and be all dressed and ready to go to school before I leave. so this means.... like...5 hours of sleep tonight? its gonna be a good day tomorrow...!!

Memoir...Maybe...

I'm suppose to write a my very own memoir and then turn it into my English teacher in about 2 weeks.Normally I have no problem writing down a bunch of stuff about my life and letting other people read it. But for some reason, I'm having a LOT of trouble with this! I can't seem to find anything to write about!! i have a ton of memories! but I cant think of anything that has really shaped my life. That one big AHA! moment and then I was never the same again. Everyone around me has all these stories and memories that they are writing about and talking about how this happened to them and they saw that, and that is why they are the way they are and they have these way intense sob stories about people they have known that have died and how that changed their life forever and blah blah blah. I don't understand how all these people who are about my same age can already have SO much figured out about them self. All i know is that my name is Hannah, I'm 18, my family loves me, God loves me, Etc. It's not like I'm lost and confused and depressed or anything... I just don't have a moment that changed my life. I don't really have anything different to say about myself. I mean.. I'm Mormon, and that's different than most people, but I've always been Mormon. So its not like one day it just hit me. I've just always known. I heard all these stories about how one moment and over a week or a month peoples whole lives are changed and stuff... but I don't have a story like that. I'm just me. I don't know what i am suppose to be, or do. I;m really scared about what I am going to do after High School. I want to move on with my life. Get it really started. My 2 closest friends from high school graduated last year, and one of them is married and the other one will be married in less than a month. They are starting their lives. They found someone who is not a part of their family who loves them SO much that they are willing to spend the res of their life with them. It's like a Disney movie. a fairy tale. with a happy ending.well... beginning... but an ending too... I don't understand how 2 people can say that for the rest of their life they will always be together, and basically act as one.. but 2 different people.... I don't understand it. But then I loo at my grandparents, and my parents, and I see how much they all love each other. I don't think I will ever find that. I want to, but where am I gonna find that guy? what if he is here, and I go off to school somewhere else, and we never find each other? Then am I just gonna be all alone Forever? I'm scared that I might be... I don't want to die alone. I don't want to live all alone when I'm 30, and wake up in the night wonder if maybe I would have done something differently.... If maybe I would have just gone to the store that one day I would have met someone, and maybe I would have eventually married them.. I don't want that to happen. I want someone to love me and be with me because they want to.not because they are my family and are stuck with me(don't get me wrong, I'm really happy that I have my family, and i wouldn't EVER want a different one, because I love them SO much and LOVE being with them! And they are my favorite family EVER)but because they love me so much for who I am and they want to be with me forever. I want that SO bad! and I'm starting to think that I will never find it. But then I remember that I am only18 and still have a LONG time before i get married or anything... but I just really hope that I am in all the right places now, so I will be able to be in the right place then..., But its hard... When I get together with my whole family, and I am treated like 3/4 adult and 1/4 kid.or really actually 1/2 kid 1/2 adult. i wanna be all adult. I want to be able to go to the store without asking my mom and my dad and my grandma and so on and so forth. I want to be able to make my own choices and make plans and stuff like that without running it through an entire chain of people, writing a 5 page essay on it, and then waiting while 5 other people review it and then give me the OK to go. Do they realize that my friends are getting married, buying houses, getting ready to have kids of their own, and stuff like that? one of my friends I go to school with is engaged, has her wedding planned, has the dress, her bridesmaids have their dresses,the date is set, and the guy she is marrying has a baby that he raises pretty much by himself except she lives with him and takes care of the baby while he is at work and stuff, and they bought a house and are just waiting for it to be done. my friends and looking at what color to paint their living room, while I'm over here decided what color to paint my nails. Everyone looks like they have a general idea of what they are going to do with their life, and I have no clue at all. I want to get married, and have kids, and be happy, and spend LOTS of time with my family, and have a great lifelike that. I was watching my Aunt with her kids the other day, and way just thinking, man.... she is not even 10 years older than me I don't think and she has a husband who loves her to death, 2 kids and one on the way, a house, a place in life where she knows she should be. i want that life. I want to be sure about what is going to happen during the day when I wake up. I was the responsibility of taking care of other people and myself too. i want to be able to decorate a house, and make choices, and try new things, and know that someone loves me for just being me SO much that they committed the rest of their life to me, because they wanted to.WOW. I hadn't planned on writing this much. but I guess when you don't write about all this stuff fora while it all just kinda piles up inside of you and then EXPLODES when it finally gets a chance to get out!I know.. my spelling is really bad, because I'm typing fast and not checking what keys I'm hitting. I know my spelling sucks. So on that happy note, I'm off to finish Ghost Whisper and then go to bed!